Counting Sheep
Again, I’m having a really difficult time sleeping. I have an early class on Thursday mornings, so I force myself to be in my bed by 10 PM on Wednesday night because I know it will take me two hours to finally fall asleep. I want to be awake and alert for class, especially when I’m performing the role of TA, so I try to get a nice seven hours of sleep. Regardless, when I’m in TA mode, I’ll amp up and get my shit together, but it’s just that much harder with little sleep.
I’m tossing and turning because I’m angry about the ups and downs of life. I was feeling fantastic earlier today, then slowly but surely I started going down. I’m angry because when I’m up, I forget about the inevitable down, and vice versa. I’m weirded out that lately, the ups and downs have been quite high and low—extremes to the point of being humorous. And then what makes me angrier is the unexpected confrontation with the up and the down. I keep forgetting that whatever current emotional state I’m in, the exact opposite will come sooner or later.
Tonight I was mind wandering around Thorstein Veblen’s Conspicuous Consumer. I was figuring out an installation I could make where I illustrate Veblen’s list of douchebag-ish goods that must be discriminately selected and conspicuously consumed by the Society of 23. He gives an awesome list of stuff, my favorite being “dancers” and “narcotics”. Only a douchebag would have discriminating taste for dancers.
I was also thinking about an idea that came up in class surrounding the Society of 23: the construction of individual identities for each brother. There was a want from some of my classmates for more specificity and clarity of each brother’s role, history, persona, etc. While tossing and turning tonight, I realized that I’m not interested in the brothers as individuals. I’m more interested in the entity that is the Society of 23. I’m interested in the edition of prints, not the individual print. And of course I’m not opposed to developing each brother’s back-story and current role, but I think it detracts from my artwork when I focus heavily on one brother. And what is it that is actually losing attention? What is it that is being detracted from?
What I’m seeing myself understanding this evening, or early in the morning, is a deeper knowledge for what I’m doing, rather than simply a blind production of ‘art’. Fundamental questions like, ‘why am I making the Society of 23’ should be answered, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t think it’s physically possible for me to sit still and not create something while trying to answer those fundamental questions. I kind of need to see something, hold something—let the artwork speak to me. Maybe sitting still is something I should work on. Ha, working on not working. Only me…
My professor (Allan deSouza) said that my work is about social engineering. I really really like that. Not only does it implicate me as part of the Facebook generation, but also my interests in social psychology and celebration are apparent. It’s interesting to think that only after a massive production of artwork can I figure out what the hell I’m doing, and often through the eyes of someone else who takes the time look. Allan also asked if the Society of 23 dudes have sex with other people or just each other. Only Allan would ask that!
Anyway, that’s why booze is so fabulous! I can drink the thoughts away, remove my necessity to produce, and give myself a chance to just pass out.
It’s too bad I turn that into artwork too: check out my newest addition to the Society of 23 projects portfolio by clicking the image below.
UPDATE, 3/13/10: I told Allan I really liked his comment about my work being about social engineering. He said he didn’t say that. Haha, great, right? He said it is ‘leading towards’ social engineering. I remember learning about the concept of ‘gist’ and what it means when people recall words that were said in the past. Either way, I’m excited that my work can possibly be about something that may or may not be relevant in the now.
